Break Down, Build Up
by sillysillypanda
Summary: Set between manga chapters 238 and 239. written during a period of severe HitsuHina withdrawal. Oneshot.


**disclaimer: i am not tite kubo; bleach is not mine. **

I'm not hiding from Hitsugaya-kun.

I mean, yeah, I should technically been at the whole big meeting-council-pow-wow-thingy that's being held to decide and discuss what the Soul Society is going to do about Inoue Orihime and address the rumors flying around about the upcoming invasion of Karakura town and how the recent attacks on the advance guard led by Hitsugaya-kun bode for our strategy. I got the hell butterfly carrying the message hours and hours ago, though still much too late for the advance guard's tastes, since they wanted to go after Inoue-san as soon as possible but Yamamoto-sotaicho insisted that they stay in Soul Society to rest and clear their minds and hearts before we even hold a meeting. As both vice-captain and acting captain of the Fifth Division, I'm required to attend this meeting. And, more than that, I really, really want to go and add my own frail voice to the demands to save Inoue-san before the Arrancars and Aizen-taicho do who-knows-what to her. Like he did to me.

But, no, I'm not at that meeting right now. Right now, I'm in my closet in my room because I misplaced my all-important… that is to say, I need to… what I mean is, I… uh…

Oh drat it all. I'm hiding from Hitsugaya-kun.

What exactly am I supposed to do when I see him? I can't pretend like everything didn't happen, like I didn't go psycho and try to kill him, like he didn't still try to avenge me afterwards, like I wasn't- aren't- the biggest idiot in the Soul Society. But it's not like I can go up to him and say, "Hey, Shiro-chan, how are you? Hope you've recovered from the potentially permanently scarring psychological trauma I put you through by accusing you of murder and then trying to simultaneously shish-kebab and barbeque you on Tobiume! Sooo… didja bring me a souvenir from the mortal world?"

Yeah, great conversation starter. I know he told me not to worry about all that, that he wasn't worrying about it, that I should concentrate on getting well. But now that I am well, will he still be so forgiving?

Of course he will. He's Hitsugaya-kun. He'll always forgive me.

But can I forgive myself?

The meeting starts in around ten minutes and I will be late no matter what now. I do know a shortcut, but I have no intention of taking it, not after what happened the last time I tried that shortcut. I know this is crazy of me, but part of me feels like, if I just had gotten up early that morning, had not taken that shortcut, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have found the fake-dead body of Aizen-taicho, wouldn't have thought he was murdered by Shiro-chan, wouldn't have been betrayed and hurt and wouldn't have betrayed and hurt others in turn, and, well, everything else wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be in my closet hiding from Shiro-chan right now. That's crazy talk, I know, but I can't help it. Aizen-taicho had been planning his betrayal for decades, if not centuries. Me getting up early one day wouldn't have derailed his plans one bit. As if anything I ever did affected him or any of his plans in the slightest.

I know my duty, and I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight Aizen-taicho with all my ability and strength. I can't let anyone else get hurt the way he hurt me. I'm a vice captain, and an acting captain. I'm a shinigami. I wield my sword so that others won't have to. It's my duty and my call. It's who I am.

But just because I'm going to do my best to stop him doesn't mean I don't love him anymore. Because the crazy thing? The crazy thing is part of me wants so desperately to believe that Aizen-taicho's innocent, that he has a good reason for doing what he's doing. That Ichimaru, that slimy snake (_sorry, Rangiku-san_, I mentally apologize, _but it's true_) is forcing him to do this. If I can believe that, I can believe in the image I had of Aizen-taicho and, by association, in the image I had of the Soul Society.

Because the irony of this who dratted situation? The irony is that the reason I loved, love, Aizen-taicho so much is because he embodied everything I thought the Soul Society was, is, about. I chose to become a shinigami because I wanted to be strong, but not for me. I wanted to be both strong and gentle, compassionate and just, steady and soft and strong as spring rain and falling flowers and fire-tempered steel, all at once. Maybe I was hopelessly naïve and idealistic. Maybe I still am. But I wanted to believe that all shinigami were like that. And when I met Aizen-taicho, back when I was in the Academy, I knew that _he _was the reason I joined Soul Society, because the Soul Society was as kind and just and comforting and strong as he was, that he was the ideal shinigami: selfless and pure. And so, now that he turns out to be a fraud, does that mean that my whole idea of the Soul Society, of what a shinigami should be, of what _I_ want to be, is false too?

Maybe. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore; I can barely tell up from down and front from back these days, much less right from wrong and true from false.

But I do know that I don't think I can face anyone, especially Hitsugaya-kun, right now.

I shift minutely in the cramped closet, trying to force some feeling back into my left leg. With any luck, the meeting will drag on for hours and hours and Hitsugaya-kun will be too busy to try to find me afterwards and… and…

Ha. He'll find a way to make time to find me, even if it means sentencing Matsumoto to a millennia of sober paperwork. Poor Rangiku-san. Maybe hiding from this meeting was a bad idea; if I don't show up, he'll immediately assume the worst and come looking for me. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to swing by the Fifth Division Headquarters before he went to the meeting, just to make sure I wasn't…

That's exactly when I hear Hitsugaya-kun's dulcet tones ring out irritably, "What are you doing, Hinamori? Are you freakin' _hiding_ from me? Hinamori? Hinamori? I know you're here somewhere! I'm a captain, dammit, and I'm ordering you to come out and face me!"

Drat.

I hear the rough sliding of my door, and I can tell just by listening to it that Hitsugaya-kun is mildly annoyed and, even more than that, worried. I've known him for over a century, it would be a shame if I couldn't tell how he was feeling even if I couldn't see him. Even if I am trying to hide from him.

"They told me you were completely recovered," he growls a little, and I can imagine the scowl on his face belying the worried furrow between his eyes as he scans my room, "So why won't you _come out_ and _talk _to me? I know you're in this room somewhere, Hinamori. I can feel your rei-"

I hastily suppress my reiatsu as I try to press myself farther back into my closet. It's that small movement that alerts him to my hiding place.

I let out a small squeal as he slams (can you slam a sliding door?) open my closet door and I tumble out with a small OOF! I scramble hastily to my feet, trying to preserve some shred of dignity, hand over my thundering heart.

"Sh-shiro-chan! You scared me!" I say, partially to annoy him, partially because I'm not really thinking and it's so easy to slip back into old habits and call him by his baby name, "Wh-what are you doing here?"

I know exactly what he's doing here: Looking for me. I just don't know _why, _exactly_. _Why seek out the psycho girl who tried to kill you, betraying you after decades and decades of being best friends? Who threw away your friendship to hero-worship a traitor (a traitor she is still very much in love with, thank you, however much that emotion disgusts the small, sane portion of her)? Who, then, in a fit of ever-heightened insanity, _begged _you to _save_ said traitor? Why would you try to find such a girl? Unless you were about to throw her into an insane asylum (which don't exist in the Soul Society, I would know) or were exceedingly masochistic?

Hitsugaya-kun isn't a masochist. I think.

"It's Hitsugaya-_taicho_," he scolds, but he's relieved, I know, that I'm actually able to stand on my own. And to hide in closets, too, come to think of it. "And I think the question is, why were you hiding in your closet rather than heading for the meeting? Yamamoto-sotaicho specifically requested that all captains and vice-captains attend."

"I-" I open my mouth, but have no real response, "I wasn't hiding! I was, um, looking for my…" I gaze wildly into my closet and snatch up the first thing I see and shove it in his bewildered face, "I wasn't hiding, I was looking for Shiro-chan!"

Drat. I _never_ meant for him to find out that I have a teddy bear named after him.

I'm not sure whether he'll be disturbed or flattered.

I'm not sure whether _I'm_ embarrassed or not.

Apparently, my face makes the decision for me, and I flush a violent shade of red.

He stares, one eyebrow raised, first at the slightly battered, once white (hence the name…) bear, then at my lobster-colored face

"Are you still sick, Hinamori?" he sighs a little resignedly, as if he's been expecting it, and peers closer up at me, making me flush even worse, before laying one ice-cold hand on my forehead (he has to get on his tiptoes for that…) "You still don't look totally well, and, well," his eyes return to the white bear I'm clutching, his single raised eyebrow saying what his voice won't. _Are you sure you're quite, quite sane? _

"I'm fine!" I start to protest, but by that time, he's already steering me towards my bed.

"Liar." His voice, like the rest of him, is short and sharp. Broken icicles. "Didn't I _tell_ you that you had to sleep if you ever intend to get better? I talked to your third-seat. He said you were overworking yourself, staying up to ungodly hours, spending your lunch break at the training arenas and sneaking back out there at night, you baka- "

_… so what if I've been a chronic insomniac ever since the Incident?_

I didn't realize I said that bit aloud until Hitsugaya-kun's grip on my shoulders

tightens momentarily before slackening off all together. I turn around to face him, aware that I just messed up _again. _All I've ever done is mess up. Trust the wrong person, accuse the wrong person, want the wrong things. Do the wrong things. Be the wrong thing.

"I'm so sorry Hitsu-" I want to apologize, I don't know what for exactly anymore, but the look on his face cuts me off.

"So what?" He manages to hiss around clenched teeth. His eyes are angry, and he's giving me The Stare, the one that's simultaneously supremely cold- disdainful -and burning hot- accusing-, the one he normally gives Rangiku-san when he catches her sleeping or drinking on the job. There's a vein pulsing in his forehead, like he's about to explode. "You're asking me what's wrong with the fact that you're being a complete and utter idiot and doing every darn thing you can to never get better? Do you _want _to stay like this forever? Are you _trying _to kill yourself and finish off what the bastard tried to-"

He stops immediately, but he can't snatch back those words. I can tell that he wants to, from the stunned and horrified look on his face. I don't know what he thinks I'm about to do next, collapse into tears or explode in a fury at him. I don't know which he would prefer. Probably the exploding. He never could stand it when I cried.

But I know the last thing he expected me to do was laugh. Which is what I do. I collapse onto my bed in a fit of borderline hysterical giggles. He watches me, apprehension and fear behind his blue eyes. He's probably wondering if I've cracked for good, if his last comment sent me over to the deep end permanently. The bewilderedness on his normally scowling, totally self-assured face makes me laugh even harder.

"Th-thank you, Hitsugaya-kun," I choke out as my laughter finally starts to subside.

He's seated himself on the very edge of my bed, watching me warily, as if he's not sure whether to send for Unohana-taicho or stay with me until, well, I don't know what he's waiting for. He raises one incredulous eyebrow (again. I fight the temptation to tell him that his face will stick like that if he doesn't quit it) at my thank you, so I try to clarify.

"Thanks for not treating me like a china doll. Ever since, well, you know, everyone else has been treating me like spun glass, like I could shatter apart at any second. Like even mentioning Aizen-taicho would make me burst into tears," _Not an unfounded suspicion, _I amend silently_, I __**did**__ do that for the first week or so. But no need to tell Hitsugaya-kun that_. "Like even talking too loudly to me, or mentioning the upcoming Winter War would break me. Permanently. And everyone's been giving me these little sideways glances when they think I'm not looking, like they're wondering whose side I'm really on. Like they think I might betray everyone and defect over to Aizen-taicho's side. As if." I snort a little at that thought, trying to not let him see that I _have _considered it, in the depths of the night when I couldn't sleep, before shoving it to the back of my mind along with everything else I don't want to- can't bear to- think about, "I'm a shinigami, Hitsugaya-kun, through and through. And I'm going to fight."

"No!" He leaps up off my bed at that last statement and faces me, blue eyes sparking angry, "You are _not _about to fight in the Winter War."

"Why not?" I demand, stung, "I've been training every day, Hitsugaya-kun. It's different now. I'm strong! Really! I wont be a burden anymore, you won't have to swoop in and save me again, I promise!"

"That's. Not. It." His face is, for once, unreadable, even to me.

"Then what?" I, too, leap off my bed and face him, and place my hands over my chest. On the scar that probably will never fade entirely, despite all of Unohana-taicho's skill and treatment, "I'm going to fight that… that… person….who gave me this, Histugaya-kun. I'm going to do my duty as a shinigami and a vice-captain and an acting captain and… and as a person Hitsugaya-kun. Please don't try to stop me."

The two of us glare at each other from opposite sides of my bed, brown eyes meeting blue. I try to imitate his frosty scowl, but know that I'm failing miserably. No one can scowl like Hitsugaya-kun. The most I can ever manage is a pout. Not remotely intimidating. Even though sometimes it seems to work on Hitsugaya-kun, and even Abarai-kun and Izuru-kun if I'm lucky. But not now.

I don't even realize I'm crying until teardrops fall on my double-handed fist, still stationed over my heart.

He's at my side in a flash-step, heart-beat, eye-blink. Faster than it takes me to even comprehend that the tears are my own. I hastily try to blink my tears away, not even sure why I'm crying. I've always been an easy crier, I suppose, but this is ridiculous. It's been ridiculous ever since the Incident.

Hitsugaya-kun doesn't say anything, because he doesn't need to. Because I'm already talking, unable to stop the words the same way I'm unable to stop my tears.

"I'm sorry I'm crying again. I know you don't like it," I'm babbling, and I'm not about to stop anytime soon, "It's just that, I mean every dratted word I say, Shiro-chan. Every single one. And no one really takes me seriously, because they think I'm still half-delirious all the time. Like I'm still not sure what to do, who I am, where I stand on this whole Winter War thing. But I mean every word I say.

"You know what the flower for the Fifth Division is, Shiro-chan?" I know he knows, and he knows I know he knows, but he lets me babble on anyway, because he knows I need to, "It's the Lily of the Valley. And you know what it represents? Three things: Danger, Sacrifice, and Pure Love. I thought I had that last one, with Aizen-taicho, you know?" I see him wince a little here, but I can't stop the words, not now, and I can't snatch them back anymore than I can snatch back the decades I spent trying to get Aizen-taicho to be proud of me. To love me.

"But that was a lie. I refuse to let everything I believe the Fifth Division is about- everything I thought the Soul Society was about- to turn into a lie like that. There are still some true and pure things in the world, and I think pure love is out there, somewhere. I'm not going to let Aizen-taicho destroy that too.

"Danger? Being a shinigami is all about danger, Shiro-chan, and I'm not about to run away from it. Not now, not ever. You know how I met Aizen-taicho in the first place, right? It's because I refused to run from what I had to do, from what I signed up and promised to do. And I signed up to be vice-captain of the Fifth Division. I'm not going to shirk my duties now. I'm going to fight.

"Sacrifice? I thought I knew what that meant before, in some vague and theoretical terms, but now? Now I know what sacrifice means. Sacrifice means doing what you have to do, Shiro-chan, even when doing so cuts you to the core and slices you open and just about kills you. For me, it's getting out of bed every morning and running this division. That's a sacrifice, believe me, because all I want to do nowadays is crawl into a hole and die. Really. But I believe in the Fifth Division, even if I can't believe in its captain or vice-captain these days. And I _will_ die to protect it. If that's the kind of Sacrifice it takes. I'm willing to sacrifice what I felt for Aizen-taicho to protect Soul Society.

"I _am_ going to stop him. That's Pure Love, Shiro, because I love the Soul Society and all the shinigami in it and the _idea _that we fight so that others won't have to. Because of that Love, I'm going to put myself in Danger, physical, emotional, whatever, and Sacrifice every last piece of me to keep that image of Soul Society safe. So please don't try to stop me."

I start out soft and hoarse, and get louder and louder and stronger so that by the end, I'm practically screaming. And I don't care who hears me. I'm sick and tired of people not hearing me, of not seeing me, Hinamori Momo. They just see the sad and frail girl who was betrayed by her captain. There's more to me than that. There's got to be.

Hitsugaya-kun stares at me, like he's seeing me for the first time. And, I see reflected in those ice-blue eyes of his, a girl who is so much more than just a sad and betrayed weakling.

I kinda like what I see reflected there.

As I wipe the tears off my cheeks, Hitsugaya-kun replies.

"First of all," he says, dead serious, "It's Hitsugaya-taicho, not Shiro-chan. But I'm willing to let that slip, Bed-wetter Momo, just this once, hear? Because I've got more important things to say."

He turns his back to me, like he can't stand to look me in the eye anymore, and his voice is bitter, almost sarcastic, "I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Well, maybe that's a lie. Because, you see, I can. Because I've been going through it right along with you." He puts power and force behind every single word, each sentence a cold ice shard stabbed into my heart, wrenching my eyes open, leaving me breathless.

"I know what it feels like to have the person you trust and care about most in this world, in all the worlds, try to kill you. I _know _what it feels like think you've been betrayed and nearly killed by the person you… you… l-love." Here, he falters, then starts again, voice stronger than ever, "And I know what it's like to want to believe that that person was just being manipulated, was still good at heart. To try to blame someone else, though in my case, the blame really does lie with someone else, with a sick and twisted bastard who _**is**_ going to pay for what he did. I know what it's like to want to protect something, an ideal or a person or whatever, to try to be strong and perfect from them. And to feel like you've miserably failed at that. Like if you'd just been a little bit stronger, a little bit more aware, a little bit _better, _you could have kept all of this from happening. So, yeah, I kinda know what you're going through, Hinamori.

"And I understand why you want to fight. You want to fight for pretty much the same reason I want to: to get revenge on some bastard who threatened and darn near destroyed everything you hold dear. I get that. I respect that. And, all I'm asking is that you try to understand why I can't let you do that."

He pauses for a long, long time, but when he finally speaks again, all the bitterness and icy fury has washed out of his voice, until only the quiet firmness remains.

"I can't lose you again."

With that he turns around, and I see that he's crying too. I've never seen Shiro-chan cry before, not once in over a hundred years. I've always been the crybaby. Never him.

He cries tears of ice. Literally. Little snowflakes and ice crystals are streaking their way down his face, and he doesn't bother trying to wipe them away. They melt as they hit the floor. I fight the temptation to put my arms around him and hold him. He hates that, always has.

"You never lost me to begin with," I try to point out, ignoring the pain in my chest as I think of what I put him through, exactly like what Aizen-taicho put me through. What I'm about to put Hitsugaya-kun through again. "And I can't _not _fight, anymore than you can."

"I almost lost you," he counters, "And why can't you? You could just stay here in the Court of Pure Souls and leave it at that. Nobody would blame you at all and, you don't need to-"

" Of course I need to! For the same reason I had to follow you that time, when I woke up under your kido spell in the Tenth Division Barracks," I shoot back before thinking, immediately regretting my choice of anecdote, but plowing on through anyway, "It's who I _am_, Hitsugaya-kun. And, yeah, that'll get me into a lot of trouble, maybe. Kill me, maybe. But I can't fight it anymore than you can stop being a grouchy, sullen, mean, scowl-ly, impossible, infuriating, frustrating, confounding, absolutely wonderful and perfect genius."

Silence. We both blush.

"Besides," I add quietly after a while, "I have to make up for what I did. For putting you through what Aizen-taicho put me through."

I can't hold it back any longer, I take a step towards him and hug him, tight. To my surprise, he hugs back, and I rest my face in his soft pale hair and we cry together. We cry for lost childhood and shattered dreams and for pure love that may or may not be real. We cry for ourselves and we cry for each other and for every dratted person in each world whose lives were ruined by Aizen-taicho. I cry much more than Hitsugaya-kun does, naturally, but he still holds me through my tears, which is nice of him.

We don't say anything, but we don't really need to. We've been best friends for a century and more. We don't need words, not for things like this, things we can feel in our veins and pulsing through out hearts. Things like apology and forgiveness and friendship and love. Things that can't be shattered, not by the strongest steel or coldest blizzard or biggest fireball in all the worlds. Things that even Aizen-taicho can't destroy.

We go to the meeting, taking the shortcut I used _that _day, but it doesn't feel so bad, not today, not with Hitsugaya-kun flash-stepping beside me. We arrive late, sure, but no one is really surprised, I think, that we arrived together. Holding hands. And there are no raised eyebrows (though there is a muffled cheer from Rangiku-san, which was greeted by Shiro-chan's Glare of Doom) when Hitsugaya-kun walks me back to the Fifth Division Barracks afterwards. We stand outside the door to the barracks and, before I go in to sleep (he did make me promise to work on my insomnia) and he heads back to the Tenth Division Headquarters to finish his mountain of paperwork (the hypocrite. He can stay up late to work and I can't?), he smiles at me, a rare sight from Shiro-chan.

Then he blushes and mutters, "Don't you dare tell anyone about me… crying… this afternoon, do you hear, Bed-wetter Momo?"

Some things never change, not even through betrayals and backstabbing and war and accusations. Some things last through the centuries. Thank heavens.

In the end, we never came to an agreement about whether or not I'll fight in the battle for Karakura Town. I know I will. I think Hitsugaya-kun kinda believes that I gave up, or will chicken out at the last second. That he's convinced me, somehow, to stay put and safe while he tries to fix everything, like he's always done before. At least, he's trying to convince himself that he believes that. He knows me better than that. I'm not that kind of girl, who will give up that easy. Not about something I truly care about. I would drag myself through hell- I have dragged myself through hell, though there's still a ways to go before I'm totally out of it- to protect what I care about. He, of all people, should realize that.

Because, you see, I'm fighting for Hitsugaya-kun, too. He'll do something rash, charge Aizen-taicho on his own or something, if he thinks I'm still hurt. And the best way to prove I'm not hurt is not by hiding from my problems. It's by facing them head on instead of cowering in my closet, clutching my stuffed bear.

And so I fight.

For Soul Society and myself and, most of all, maybe, for him.


End file.
